Gay Men

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

There is a lot of talk about Bromances these days. The urban dictionary definition of a bromance is described as "complicated love and affection shared by two straight males." But what if the two men decide to have sex? Does that make then gay or bisexual? When girls do this in Girls Gone Wild they are not accused of being latent lesbians or bisexuals. There sexual orientation is not speculated about at all as it turns out. But this is different for me. There's growing evidence that many men who have sex with men aren't all gay or bisexual. According to the Centres for Disease Control, more than 3 million men (in the US) who self-identify as straight secretly have sex with other men - putting their wives or girlfriends at risk for HIV infection and other sexually transmitted diseases. A recent New York City survey that appeared in the September 19, 2006 issue of the Annals of Internal Medicine found that nearly one in ten men say they're straight and have occasional sex with men. In addiction, 70 percent of these men are heterosexually married. In fact, 10 percent of all married men in this survey reported engaging in same-sex behaviour during the previous year. To best understand these men, therapists and clients need to be able to differentiate four terms that are often confused; sexual identity and orientation; sexual preference; sexual fantasies; and sexual behaviour. Contrary to common usage, they aren't always in alignment. Sexual identity and orientation encompasses one's sexual and romantic identity, in which thoughs, fantasies, and behaviours work together in concert. It's the alignment of affectional, romantic, psychological, spiritual and sexual feelings and desires for those of the same or opposite gender. Sexual orientation doesn't change over time. One's sexual behaviours and preferences might change, but like one's temperament, one's orientation remains mostly stable. The term also refers to how someone self-identifies, not how others may categorise him or her. Some people self-identify as straight, while others self-identify as gay or lesbian, bisexual or questioning. Sexual preferences refer to sexual acts, positions, and erotic scenarios that someone prefers to have while engaging in sexual activity. The term takes into account what individuals like to to and get into sexually, not necessarily with whom they like to do it. Preferences and erotic interests can change over time, as one becomes more open or closed to certain thoughts and behaviours. Sexual fantasies are any thoughts that one finds arousing. They can encompass anything - sexual positions, romantic encounters, body parts, clothing and shoe fetishes, even rape. Sexual fantasies aren't necessarily acted out. In fact, in many cases, they aren't. Sexual behaviour is any behaviour intended to pleasure oneself and/or one's sexual partner. It doesn't necessarily reflect one's orientation. For example, men whoa re imprisoned engage in sexual behaviours with other men, but do so out of sexual necessity, not because of erotic interest in another man. They desire the behaviour and the sexual release it achieves, and the gender part of the partner is secondary. For straight men who have sex with men, same-sex encounters aren't about romance or sexual attraction and desire, but about sexual and physiological arousal - "getting off" with another who's male and accessible. They don't sexually desire or get aroused by looking at other men, only by the sexual act. But if they don't actively desire other men, how do they get to the point of having sex with men? These men typically want to bond with and get affection from other men. Their behaviour may reflect a desire to experiment, to engage in something that's taboo, or to express inner psychological conflicts involving their sexual feelings and desires that have nothing to do with having a gay or bisexual identity. Straight men who have sex with men do so for a variety of reasons. Some have been sexually abused are are compulsively reeacting childhood sexual trauma by male perpetrators; some find sexual release with another man more accessible; some have sex with men because it's easier and requires fewer social skills than those required to have sex with women; some are "gay for pay" and get financial rewards; some the like attention they receive from other men; and some like anal sex, which they're otherwise too ashamed to talk about or engage in with their female partners.